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There are many, many helpful non-fiction books in this world to choose from, but this is one that every parent MUST read. It's incredibly well-written and interesting, and the examples are excellent. Since I've worked with dysfunctional people and families for twenty years as a social worker, I can testify that Allison knows what she is talking about. She's obviously poured her heart and soul into this book in order to help families, and I've not found better advice out there for people who have adult children than is mentioned here. In fact, I brought it to church with me to a Bible study as I was reading it. People were checking it out because everyone knows someone who has an adult child who has torn their parents' hearts out by the way they live their lives. The awesome thing about this book is that the advice will actually work, painful as it will be. It's scripturally sound advice. Allison makes an impressive case as you'll see when you read the book.
There is even a benefit to reading this book while your kids are still young, or teenagers. They don't have to be fully grown children for you to benefit as a reader. Why? Because you can stop destructive patterns BEFORE you let them destroy your children. I've pondered some things about my own parenting style as a result of this book and it's sparked some great discussions with my husband. We are doing a lot of things right, but there are always ways to improve. Like making sure your own childhood deficits don't interfere with what God is trying to work in your child's life. My boys are 15 and 16 and Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children has actually helped me with some decisions I need to make as they grow older. I feel so much more equipped. Bless Allison for opening her heart and making herself vulnerable for the sake of the ministry God has given her. This book is a winner!
Michelle Sutton, Edgy Inspirational Author blog
Allison Bottke is a gifted teacher, but that’s not all she brings to her latest book. She’s also a mom who’s been there. Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Childdren opens with a section titled “Why I Had to Write This Book” in which Bottke shares some of what she’s gone through with her own son. Full of insight and hope, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will encourage, support and equip you to deal with one of the hardest trials a parent can face: watching your adult child follow the wrong path and face the fact that you can’t fix it. Even if you don’t have adult children, I recommend picking up this book to give you some perspective, a glimpse of what you might need to watch for as your children grow.
Jennifer AlLee, Musings on This, That & The Other Thing
We all want our children to grow into happy, responsible adults. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts and our prayers, some children never quite become independent. We become involved in the repeating cycle of helping and rescuing until we are at the end of our emotions, our finances and our sanity.
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children – Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke begins with the heart-wrenching story of her own entanglement in the life of her adult son. Right away you realize that this woman knows what it is like and is not going to give you any pat answers to fixing your child’s problems.
“This isn’t a book about drug-proofing your kids or a how-to manual about making rebellious kids behave.” It is for any parent whose adult child’s life is in one crisis after another and who finds themselves entangled in each as if it were their own.
Her book gives enlightening descriptions of our own enabling behavior whether our adult child is in serious trouble, such as drug addiction or is simply failing to leave the nest.
To find out if you are indeed an enabling parent, answer the 20 questions on pages 30 and 31. Here is a sample:
- Have you paid for education and /or job training in more than one field?
- Have you paid bills he was supposed to have paid himself?
- Have you given him “one more chance” and then another and another?
- Have you begun to feel that your marriage is in jeopardy because of this situation?
Ms. Bottke gives parents a way out that is well thought out, pre-determined, kind and bathed in prayer. This book doesn’t give easy answers to ending the cycle. It is tough and can be heart-breaking but you won’t feel alone. Her writing style is such that she feels like a friend who can help because she has been there.
Part 2 of the book explains Allison’s “Six Steps to Sanity”
S = Stop your own negative behavior ( especially the flow of money)
A = Assemble a support group
N = Nip excuses in the bud
I = Implement rules and boundaries
T = Trust your instincts
Y = Yield everything to God (“let go and let God”)
Each step is discussed thoroughly, giving the tools to make it work along with the encouragement to keep going.
If you have the nagging feeling that instead of helping your adult child, you may be enabling, I think this is an important book for you.
Lynne Chapman, BellaOnline's Christian Living Editor, BellaOnline, The Voice of Women
Once upon a time, in a country not so far away, children grew up, left home for college, and got married. By age 25 or so they were ensconced in families of their own, and the cycle began all over again . . .
That's not happening any more. I left home at 18 and married at 22 (the very DAY after my college graduation), but I don't see anything close to that happening with my children or most of the children of my friends. I'm not sure why society has shifted, but it has, and parents are often at a loss when dealing with these twenty-something children who are not ready (or willing) to be on their own and not quite children, either.
My good friend Allison Bottke has written a book, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, that may be a lifesaver for you or someone you know. Allison did tons of research, speaking with parents and other authorities, about how we can love our children without enabling them. About how we can honor God in our child-rearing efforts at an age when child-rearing is usually long finished.
If you have a twenty-something child, you need to read this book. Seriously. I have seen so many parents nearly bankrupt themselves and completely drain themselves emotionally because these ought-to-be-grown children can't seem to stand on their own two feet. We seem to be very good at making excuses for them, and not so good at setting boundaries . . .
(Just this morning on GMA I watched a mother defend her "wonderful" son who had hired hit men to kill his parents. Parental love is a powerful thing, but boy, can it be blind . . .)
Allison lists six steps to SANITY, and then explores them:
1. Stop enabling, stop blaming yourself, and stop the flow of money
2. Assemble a support group
3. Nip excuses in the bud
4. Implement rules and boundaries
5. Trust your instincts
6. Yield everything to God
I highly recommend this book.
~ Angela Hunt, Author, The Note, Tale of Three Trees, Does She Look So Natural? and more, http://alifeinpages.blogspot.com/2008/02/adult-children.html
I've been pretty big on self-help books for most of my adult life as I've had my share of dysfunctional relationships, so I have a pretty good grasp on self-help principles that work and those that don't. My gut feeling on Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children is that this book is a winner.
Allison Bottke speaks from her heart and her own experience with enabling her adult son to stay in a destructive pattern of living and she gives excellent tips and tools for parents to stop the insanity of living a dysfunctional life. I like the fact that she doesn't blame the parent for the adult child's behavior and she gives advice on how the parent can change....not on how to change the adult child. This book is about putting responsibility for destructive behavior where it belongs and coming to the realization that if "nothing changes, nothing changes."
Another key element that this book has that many self-help books don't is that Bottke puts God right in the midst of our struggles and suggests that we yield to Him in everything. While most self-help book allude to a "higher power", this book comes straight out and tells the reader the truth: you can't make these changes without the help of the God of the Bible.
I highly recommend this book. It will change your life.
~ Patti Chadwick, www.bookbargainsandpreviewscom
I feel as though Allison Bottke has looked into my soul.
When my daughter asked me to review Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children, I laughed and said “Okay”. God was using her in ways she never expected. Therefore, I thank her and Allison Bottke for Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children.
“You feel betrayed because as a parent, you’ve tried to practice unconditional love. You’ve offered forgiveness for inappropriate behavior and provided enough encouragement and tangible help to give your child a fresh start.” When I read these words, I knew this book was meant for me. I have numerous times asked myself if I were a bad parent, whether I was a strong enough Christian, and did I not meet his needs. Allison Bottke courageously shares her story with readers, offering them hope, insight, and suggestions. She helps parents take their lives back. One of the most poignant statements in the book is “it is you that has to change, not them.”
There are six steps offered to parents. Bottke uses the word SANITY to help parents remember the steps. Stop enabling our child’s behavior. Assemble and join a support group. No excuses. Implement rules and boundaries. Trust yourself. Yield; give it all over to God. It is refreshing to read a book that is written from experience with honesty and Godliness. Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children stepped on my toes. It will probably step on the toes of others as well. Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children is a serious, well written manual. Bottke’s book will bless many.
~ Debra Gaynor, ReviewYourBook.com
I buy a lot of books. I read a lot of books. I review a lot of books.
No book has changed me like Allison Bottke's soon to be released book, Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children.
Except the Bible.
Allison wrote this book out of a painful experience involving her own son; she recounts that pivotal experience in the opening pages. With a Forward from Carol Kent, who's own son's actions changed HER life forever, this book rings with authenticity and a heart for hurting parents that is just HUGE.
In this non-fiction, semi-autobiographic book, Allison first explains "The Parent as Enabler". This was a difficult section to read, because from the very beginning I saw myself in these pages. But it was also a divine appointment (and you thought this was just a book review), because I also found freedom in these pages.
Allison quotes from other authors and from surveys and interviews she has done with experts in their fields of Christian counseling and psychology, as well as from parents who've "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, run the ride".
Well researched and expertly written, this section will truly release the parent(s) or grandparents from the cycle of enabling and dysfunctional behavior that is running rampant through our Christian families today.
In part two, Allison gives us her "SANITY" savers...and I'm a gal who loves me some alliteration and acronyms! She encourages us to "STOP your own negative behavior...whatever we're doing to enable the adult child to continue in his or her dysfunction. And the list goes on from there...finally spelling out blessed sanity!
The second half continues with "developing an action plan", "considering the consequences" and "other vital issues"...proof that Allison does not take this subject lightly. In fact, her research is so thorough I'm going to be doing a LOT more reading that is recommended by Allison herself.
And you may look forward to those reviews, also.
As a mother of a prodigal (wayward) daughter, this book was more than just something to read. It was, as I stated earlier, a God appointment. I didn't request this book for review...I was asked to review it.
And now I know it was because God knew I needed the message of healing contained in these pages, and because He wants to get the word out to hurting parents of prodigal children..."There is hope, and you are NOT alone!"
I highly recommend Allison's book, Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children. I plan on blog touring with her in the early Spring, so be watching for more information on this book. Until then, I'm not even going to attempt to rate it with my bookmark scale, because the message is too powerful, too needed, too important to trivialize it with a rating.
Buy this book for yourself, for a friend or family member, for someone who's hurting over their adult children. Begin a support group and read it together. And allow yourself to regain your SANITY once again. Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children releases February 1, 2008 and is published by Harvest House Publishers.
Happy Reading!
~ Deena Peterson, A Peek At My Bookshelf
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke has set a new standard for excellence. Not only does this book deliver what it promises—six practical steps to help struggling parents recover and reclaim their lives and their sanity—but it does so in a remarkable manner. Bottke is no flash-in-the-pan author or an expert on a particular topic who has managed to write an acceptable manuscript; she is an extraordinary writer with exceptional talent who is willing to bare her heart to her readers. This is a rare gift and one she freely gives throughout this gripping book, which at times reads like one of the best how-to manuals on the market and at other times like an edge-of-your-seat novel. From Bottke’s soul-rending opening account of her New Year’s Day post-SWAT team encounter to her final words of encouragement to parents in like situations, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children keeps readers hungrily devouring its contents, even as hope builds in their hearts.
Bottke has done her homework. She has interviewed and surveyed parents and experts at every level, and she has included quotes from many of them throughout her book. And yet, even with the validity these quotes add to this must-have parental resource, the depth and honesty of Bottke’s own story is enough to make this a classic in its own right.
If you (or someone you know) are a parent struggling with the ongoing issues of an adult child in continual crisis, stop whatever you’re doing and go buy this book. Then read it and put it into practice! Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children has the potential to set you free, restore your joy, and maybe even save your life—or that of your adult child.
~ Kathi Macias, www.kathimacias.com, BEYOND ME: Living a You-First Life in a Me-First World (New Hope Publishers, Spring 2008)
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